


if that's what it takes, yes

by strze_lec



Category: The Resident (TV 2018)
Genre: Friendship, Multi, Sisterhood, baby Hawkins-Nevin, just a mention of CoNic, just a mention of Minator, self blame but eventually no, talking trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strze_lec/pseuds/strze_lec
Summary: “If that's what it takes,yes,” Nic threads her fingers through Mina’s and her view gets a little bit clouded by wetness too. “You’re not responsible formy ownstupidity.”“Your what?” and with that one sentence, the scowl is back on Mina’s face as she tries to make sense of her friend’s words. “What are you talking about?”Suddenly, Nic looks aside, her features no longer on the cheerful note. Her lips thin into a line and she shrugs not as casually as she would like it to look, “Uh, nothing. Forget it. It’s just a slip-up.”“This wasn’t nothing. You meant what you said,” Okafor watches her closely, processing the emotions she sees. “Areyoublaming yourself for what had happened?"Post 4x05.
Relationships: AJ Austin/Mina Okafor, Conrad Hawkins/Nicolette Nevin, Nicolette Nevin & Mina Okafor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	if that's what it takes, yes

**Author's Note:**

> Two fics in two weeks? Yes, that's the first and the last time it has ever happened.
> 
> Writing this fic has been some sort of an emotional journey for me, because as much as I knew what I wanted to show - friendship between two strong women, emotional vulnerability and some lighthearted humor, in my case at least it's impossible not to sympathize with my characters. That means going through their traumas, their insecurities and their tears with them in order to bring real people to the scene. In my personal opinion, what had happened on the screen was an accident and as much as in real life, when accidents happen we usually try to explain ourselves why they took place, what could have been done differently. These thoughts are important, because they help us prepare for future scenarios, but often accidents are just what they are - accidents. And even when aware the control over the situation was out of our hands, events like these may bring out other thoughts and memories.
> 
> How well that worked this time, it's your own decision. 
> 
> And just a sidenote - I hope you know guys I'm not a doctor, nor I live in US. All the stuff with handling visa cases is just guessed by me. I hope that whoever is struggling with visa will get the help they need.

It’s like coming home. 

The halls of Chastain are still quiet without the patients, but here and there Mina passes staff workers: technicians plugging in all types of medical devices, IT service setting up the systems on computers and tablets, cleaners dusting off and mopping the floor in order to prepare the surroundings for the patients coming back in two days. It's astonishing how many people the hospital needs to run smoothly–because as much as the medical practitioners are the heartbeat of the medical system, these people are the backbone without whom any work couldn't be done. In the modern world, if they'd lose the janitors and repairmen, this whole house of cards would fall within a day.

Mina wasn’t raised to undermine any occupation and always respected people doing their jobs, no matter how little shine their profession could have been getting, but she found in herself some extra gratitude for those who every day, unnoticed make sure the area is tidy and safe to work in, so her and others could focus on the patients.

She was reminded of it in a harsh way: they had to clean up ER and OR themselves after Nic's surgery; get rid of the blood, utensils, drenched sheets. It’s been surprisingly difficult, walk back the steps of the horrible accident that took place in _their home_ to _their loved one_ –erase the trial of the grim evidence, but being unable to reverse the clock and bring back happy and smiling Nic instead of her limp form laying in the hospital bed. 

She got lucky. In any terms and despite how ridiculous it sounds given her pregnancy, TSH levels, and the fact they’ve operated with a cell saver in a shutdown hospital, Nicolette Nevin-Hawkins somehow managed to pull through all of that in a relatively good condition, keeping herself and her baby alive. 

Mina has always avoided the word _miracle_ , but this time she was close to using it herself. 

And damn, she just may be, because three days prior, she was a hair’s breadth away from losing her best friend _,_ another person cradling in her hands a piece of Mina’s heart... _another sister,_ because that’s who Nic has become for her throughout the years. The memory of a flat line ghosting the cardiac monitor will haunt her dreams for a long time, joining the nightmares of fires engulfing bodies of her baby sisters and landmines, bombs by which her father died on a humanitarian mission. 

A shiver runs down Mina’s spine and she forces herself to breathe through the awful, clutching feeling of grief that never truly goes away. She can’t bring herself to think of the reality in which Conrad hasn’t brought Nic back into sinus rhythm or one where she didn’t wake up after the surgery. One where they didn’t find a heartbeat in a baby's ultrasound. 

Truth be told, Mina doesn’t think she could handle missing another family member. Ever. Especially Nic, who has stepped in front of her when the psycho cut her arm, risking her life as well as her daughter’s. It’s not enough to say that Mina’s feeling responsible or guilty; she feels sick with the knowledge the world would lose two more lives in order to save hers.

That just wasn’t fair.

But life is not fair and apparently, it took an oath to remind Mina that peace is temporary. 

She doesn’t even fully step into the room when she hears from the inside, “No way you’re coming into my room with this look on your face,” Nic’s voice is soft, a bit weak, but it doesn’t stop her from chiding. “I’m not letting any negative vibes in.”

“I don’t have negative vibes,” Mina halts abruptly in the door, her brows furrowing. Her eyes set on Nic half-sitting in the reclining position, seemingly tired, though still keeping a small smile on her lips. 

“ _Yeah, you do_ and it looks like _I had some time to think it over and I’ve decided I’m going to blame myself anyway_ type of frown,” the blonde raises her eyebrows in a challenging manner, waiting for Mina to prove her wrong. 

Okafor tilts her head to the side and her arms fold on her chest without her recognition. “Do you and AJ Austin share the same brain cell, because he told me almost the same thing when we separated downstairs?”

“No, we share the same _heart cell_ and it’s called not wanting Mina to hurt herself for something that’s not her fault a.k.a love for Mina Okafor.”

The warmth in Nic’s gaze makes Mina’s face break in something akin to grimace, yet her expression is tender and vulnerable as she tells her eyes to stop welling in. She walks the remaining distance to Nic’s bed, ignoring the friend’s previous rebuke.

“You really have to do this, huh?” she asks rhetorically as she sits on the nearby chair. “Making me tear up? _Again?_ ” she takes the nurse’s hand between hers. 

“If that's what it takes, _yes_ ,” Nic threads her fingers through Mina’s and her view gets a little bit clouded by wetness too. “You’re not responsible for _my own_ stupidity.”

“Your what?” and with that one sentence, the scowl is back on Mina’s face as she tries to make sense of her friend’s words. “What are you talking about?”

Suddenly, Nic looks aside, her features no longer on the cheerful note. Her lips thin into a line and she shrugs not as casually as she would like it to look, “ _Uh_ , nothing. Forget it. It’s just a slip-up.”

“This wasn’t _nothing_. You meant what you said,” Okafor watches her closely, processing the emotions she sees. “Are _you_ blaming yourself for what had happened?

Nic’s right hand curls on her baby bump.“I mean–what fifteen weeks pregnant woman would jump in front of a guy on a withdrawal waving his knife and turn his back to him?” she chuckles, but it doesn’t hold any laughter. “I could’ve tried to calm him down or tug you back, but I’ve walked in and did the most stupid thing I could– _turned my back to him_.” Her voice faints a little. “It’s like I was asking for it.”

“Nic, no.” Mina stops her firmly, squeezing her hand. “ _This wasn’t your fault either. Do you understand?_ I’m not letting you think so. It was an instinct, you wanted to help.” 

“And where was my _motherly instinct_ then, Mina?” Nic shifts her gaze back to the surgeon, the rim of her eyes red with gathering tears. “I could have lost _her._ I _almost did._ ”

Mina watches Nic’s chin starting to quiver and her own face contorts with a painful expression. She didn’t expect this conversation to get so twisted, escalate so soon. Part of her even begins to wonder how long Nic has been mulling over this situation on her own, claiming over the responsibility that was most surely _not hers._ The easy demeanor she welcomed Mina with must have been a cover for how on edge she was.

“When the first shock wore off and I could think past the pain I wasn’t afraid of dying for myself. I was worried about leaving Conrad alone. I was afraid of the baby,” salty droplets start marking Nic’s cheeks. “Losing people I love. But by the time I was crushing in the ER everything sort of faded and it wasn’t so bad, it felt like nothing was happening at all. But, _Mina_ , I swear, when Conrad did that ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like this time I was dying for real because my baby didn’t survive and–,” sob wrecks her and she needs to cut her sentence short.

“Nic–” Mina tries, but the blonde shakes her head and continues, clutching both her hands: one palm on the sheets wrapped around her abdomen, the other on Mina’s palm.

“And _I_ didn’t keep her safe. _I_ acted before I thought and tried to be the _damn hero!_ ” Nic closes her eyes for a brief moment, to quiet her cries and get her thoughts in order. 

“Shouldn’t I _learn_ already?!” her voice raises slightly despite the shed tears. “Am I trying to prove something to, _I don’t know,_ the world? Myself? I’ve managed to get myself fired, then arrested after breaking into Lane’s hospital. I kept Conrad on the arm’s length for _so long_ , I’ve almost lost him. I’ve tried to handle Jessie on my own _for years_ before I’ve finally accepted help and _it was too late anyway._ I’ve tried to step up when I shouldn’t and risked my and my daughter's life…”

Not sure if any words could possibly help in this situation, Okafor uses the pause to stand up and leaning over the bed, she carefully wraps her arms around Nic’s shoulders, pressing their temples together. Her hand threads through the blond strands and she gently places her friend’s face in the crook of her neck as she lets her own few tears fall down in silence, overwhelmed by all the open wounds Nic still carries on her heart. Scars she didn’t even know were here.

Nic hugs Mina back in return, wails rocking her body soundlessly stuck in her throat. She struggles to calm down, aware any additional stress is only going to prolong her recovery and she’s grateful Mina didn’t bring it up herself. It’s not easy, yet she tries to take in the soft strength of the friend’s embrace, soak in her wordless support. 

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the past three days have been hard on the surgeon as well, as she watched Nic get injured and fought for her in the OR, so when Nic mirrors Okafor’s strokes in her hair on the other woman's back, she hopes it’s soothing for her, too. The thought of blaming Mina for getting stabbed has never crossed her mind; her best friend doesn’t deserve to carry the guilt for something out of her control, especially when her quick intervention saved Nic’s life. 

When the nurse’s breath even out and the salty droplets mostly dry down, she mutters into Mina’s cardigan, “I’m sorry I have unloaded all of that on you. I’ve just–”

Mina moves back to look at Nic, by which she interrupts her speaking. “ _Don’t_ apologize to me. You have _nothing_ to apologize for. And Nic, none of these _is your fault._ You always try to do your best, no matter if that’s for your friends, coworkers, patients, or complete strangers. And you do _a lot of good._ Yes, of course, sometimes you make mistakes, _we all do_ , but that’s because you’re human and you _own_ your mistakes and _fix_ them.” 

Okafor gives Nic an assuring expression before she continues. “First of all, thanks to the risk you’ve taken with Lane you probably saved thousands of patients. And thousands of dollars from their wallets. Second of all, you are married now to the man you were afraid to lose and–in my professional opinion because I work as a part-time psych now–” she adds causing Nic to snort a little, “I don’t think there was even the slightest possibility he could have left you alone, which sounds kind of creepy as I’m now saying it.” 

This time Nic even smiles with a corner of her lips and then swallows thickly, taking in the measured inhales and exhales, and watches as Mina sits back in the chair, taking back her left hand in both of hers.

“About Jessie... “ Mina sighs. “Nic, you really _tried._ I know the hurt never truly gets away, _I know_ , but Jessie was an adult and you gave her all the support you could. You tried everything you could with her. And, _I know,_ you will _always_ wonder if you could have done something different, but apparently, you couldn’t, because otherwise... you would.”

The nurse sighs too and lowers her gaze to the hand she kept on her baby bump. 

Honestly, she feels kind of numb after finally spilling out all these messed up thoughts mingling in her mind whenever she was awake. She didn’t tell it to anyone before, not even Conrad as she didn’t want to worry him more than he already was, _is…._ He probably thinks she can’t see the pain and fear he tries to keep hidden in the smiles and forehead kisses, but she knows the wrinkles under his eyes better than he knows himself. She knows when he’s extremely tense just by the way he sits and she didn’t need to feel his tears on her palm as he muttered prayers to whatever deity was willing to listen, to know he’s blaming himself for what happened to her too. 

But she needed to get it out of her system, simply because the more she analyzed this situation, the more she felt herself spiraling into anxiety and guilt. Even though she didn’t want to, somewhere in the back of her mind rattled the awareness she could have been having her second baby now, with a toddler waiting for her at home if only she found out earlier about the first pregnancy. If only she took better care of herself, listened to what her body was telling her.

That’s why Nic couldn’t stop these intrusive thoughts from coming, all the heavy failures of her being too forthcoming or stubbornly handling everything on her own looking like a preludium to the grand finale of her losing her and her daughter’s life to the addict’s knife.

She doesn’t even know when she has started stroking the bump but finds herself moving her hand back and forth on the side of her abdomen that isn’t sore with stitches. 

“You know,” Mina starts somewhat hesitantly, pulling Nic out of her musings. “I understand this… kind of irrational instinct to help people. To put others first. I mean, when you got hurt, I didn’t even notice my arm was bleeding until AJ pointed it out,” her gaze drops to the bandage to lift back after a second. “The thing is, we cannot help anyone if we aren’t safe ourselves first, right? That’s like the first step taught in the first aid. And I think perhaps that’s what you may work at, taking into consideration yourself first,” she smiles lightly. “You told me something like that yourself, remember? When I was treating my neighbors at home years ago. Thanks to the clinic we made, they have a place to go now.”

Nic watches her quietly, sensing she hasn’t finished yet. “I was telling AJ some time ago that I don’t like superhero movies because heroes are everyday people and you, Nic, you don’t have anything to prove, you are one of them. You are _strong, girl._ But don’t burden yourself with things out of your control. It’s not worth it.”

Mina snorts lightly as her own comment to her own advice. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to listen to herself in that matter, too. 

“You are _so very_ important to me. To all of us. And I’m sure I’m not speaking only for myself when I say that _we cannot lose you_.”

“You’re making me cry again,” Nic whispers, her eyes getting wet for a completely different reason than before.

“If that’s what it takes,” Mina squeezes Nic’s hand. “Hey. You are our family. _My family._ And I’m not letting the world take another one of my sisters from me.”

“Okay, now you are straight up using my mood swings to tear me up,” the blonde complains, letting a couple of tears fall down her cheeks, but she cracks a weak smile. The apathy taking over her begins to disappear and she can feel warmth threading itself back into the fibers of her heart after hearing Mina’s speech.

“Yeah, it kind of gives me the upper hand here and I figured out it would be a loss to waste it,” Okafor plays along with her little jab.

“I think this trick is illegal in seventeen states.”

“Oh, it is,” Mina nods in earnest. “In sixteen. Georgia dropped the statue after the state lost the case against this law last year.”

Mina’s quick-witted answer causes Nic’s wobbly grin to turn into a full-time smirk and she’s thankful for the little confidence bust their joking brought her, giving her time and courage to come to terms with what she’s going to say. She will still need time to work through her insecurities, talk them through with Conrad or perhaps a counselor. But it’s a good start, being reminded she’s still loved and accepted, even though she may not entirely accept everything about herself at the very moment. 

“Jokes aside, Mina… you are my sister too. It’s hard enough as it is without Jessie… and I cannot imagine myself losing you as well,” she sighs, breathing out the weight off her chest. “We both don’t deserve to blame ourselves for what had happened. We didn’t carry a knife, we didn’t attack another person. What came next, just came next.”

“I agree,” Mina angles her head. “That’s so fuck up. Us having this guilt, you know? None of this is our fault. It’s like blaming the victim for getting raped. Ugh,” she physically flinches. “There’s no possible way to _ask for this_.”

“You are right,” Nic brushes the remnants of her tears from her cheeks with the free hand. She hasn’t thought about their situation from this point of view, but it’s surprisingly fitting.

“Of course I’m right. I’m Mina _freaking_ Okafor, your big sister.”

“ _Oooooh,_ no way you are the big sister here. The lowest I can go is twins.”

Mina narrows her eyes for a better effect. “But I was born two minutes earlier.”

“Just because you have basically pushed yourself out of the womb.”

“That sounds like me,” Okafor shrugs with one arm and they both break into lighthearted chuckles. 

The energy in the room shifts and the silence falling between them afterward is comfortable, familiar–not carrying the pain they’ve just spoken about, but the easy companionship they found in each other throughout the years. It came to them as a surprise too, when they started working alongside in the emergency room: Mina doing her ER duty as a first-year surgical resident and Nic being assigned to the ER as her primary rotation.

Soon enough, after a healthy dosage of sarcastic comments, running bets, and spontaneous jokes as well as unhealthy amounts of stress and too little sleep, they’ve found themselves bonding over one too many beers at the Tavern. How exactly that night went remains unclear, but they’ve ended it on Nic’s couch, each of them curled on the opposite end with a massive hangover and a new sense of friendship. Totally worth four Advil pills and a blue isotonic drink they’ve shared on their way to work, twenty minutes late and trying to figure up a sensible explanation. 

Apparently, this time the universe was on their side, bringing into ER seven stomach flu cases and making their lame excuse a tell-tale sign of the upcoming barfing season.

“By the way, where’s Conrad?” Mina questions out of blue. “I’ve been there quite a while and he hasn’t showed up yet. I thought he doesn’t leave you alone.”

“Oh, when you texted me that you’re in the building I basically _kicked him out_ of here to go shower and eat something. I want to believe he went home, but I’m almost sure he showered in his office, put on the backup outfit he keeps in his locker, and went to the restaurant across the street to get takeout.”

Mina snickers. “Yeah, no doubts here. Though I’m impressed he hasn’t checked in with you yet.”

“Yeah, me too. I was giving him seven minutes–” Nic’s phone pings, indicating an incoming message, “maximum.” She reaches for the device sitting on the nightstand at the same time as Mina frees her other hand, letting Nic text him back comfortably. 

She does and hits _send_ , then says, “Conrad said he met Bell and Marshall downstairs and since you’re with me, his dad made him go with them to the restaurant across the park to _eat like civilized people_ and talk about Chastain’s restructuration. AJ tagged along, but I don’t know if as emotional support or to sneak out some info on his own.”

“Both. I made him ask around how that's going to look like, so perhaps I’ll get the new CEO to sign up my visa papers. Working in the public hospital sort of means I’m working for the country, so I hope it will be a useful argument to not deport me.”

“ _J_ _esus_ , Mina, I completely forgot about your visa problems!”

“Oh no, how could you,” Okafor rolls her eyes and gives her a pointed look.”Nic, come on, you had bigger issues than my stupid visa.”

“Well, _I did_ , but still–“ the blonde furrows her brow a little. “Last time we talked you expected Boston to give you the visa, but I get this plan is off since you’re staying?”

“Yes. My lawyer and AJ’s cousin who works in a foundation handling deportation cases–yeah, good coincidence–say the best way right now would be to have my employer sign up my papers and if Chastain becomes a public hospital, it would be very legitimate. If not, well, I don’t know. Risking the charges for a fraudulent marriage still seems like a too big deal for me.”

“And what does this AJ’s cousin say about that?”

“Kevin. About what?”

“Being charged with a fraudulent marriage.”

Mina sighs. “He said it’s a fifty-fifty risk if we would join finances and insurance and living arrangements right now, but he seemed pretty laid back about this because their lawyers have a good rate of winning these cases and we are both doctors with a good reputation,” she pauses slightly. “Though it doesn’t sit right with me how confident he sounded. Like it was some random civil matter, not me being possibly banned from the US forever and AJ facing charges for trying to keep me here.”

“Have you told this AJ?”

“Did you ever hear me _not_ rant about the people?”

“So what did he say?”

“He explained that Kevin is an optimistic guy and he fights to the last ring. And his clients like the attitude because it brings them hope and helps them believe it’s gonna be alright.”

“So basically, now _you are_ the family of the patient you and AJ try to convince to sign up under a crazy surgery that can save their loved one and you doubt your own confident approach?” Nic smirks, watching Mina closely.

“I don’t think your overcolored metaphor matches my situation.”

“I’m pretty sure you do,” the blonde snickers at her, getting in a much better mood than she was just moments ago. Perhaps there’s also an upside to the mood swings she’s experiencing. “I’m keeping my fingers crossed the new CEO will provide your visa, so the two of you can marry on your own terms in your own time, but if it will have to get to this sooner, I’m happy for you. I don’t know two other people who are a better fit for each other.”

Mina smiles in a way Nic barely has ever seen her smiling–openly, yet sort of secretly; timidly, yet with love written all over her face. “Thanks. I didn’t know what I expected when I texted him to meet me outside during your reception, but I’ve got to say… it’s better than what I could have ever imagined,” and against all the possibilities, her smile gets even brighter.

“Okay, you know I don’t tend to pry, but now you’ve got to tell me more. Spill the tea.”

Okafor looks aside, her grin shifting into something equally giddy and mischievous. “Well, I’m trying to convince myself all this sex makes up for the amounts of pasta I’ve been eating lately, but it’s a lost cause because _damn_ , that man can cook. I’ve gained three pounds already. It’s entirely his fault and he thinks it’s funny.”

“People say that a sign of a happy relationship is when you get fat together.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Mina points with her chin to the baby bump, making Nic chuckle. 

“Be careful Mina, my first thought was that I put up some weight too,” Nic winks. “At least you wouldn’t have to worry about your marriage not looking legitimate if you’d have a baby on the way.”

“Mhm, no way,” Mina pushes her chair further from the bed. “Keep this air spreading disease to yourself. The world–with me and you neither–isn't ready for that.”

“ _Ooooh_ , come on, Mina, it’ll be fun. We will stroll through the park, go on playdates, talk about potty training. I could really use a pregnancy pal.”

“Is this about me throwing a fat joke?”

“Yes. I’m adding _no fat jokes_ to the _no bad vibes_ policy.”

“Roger that.”

“Also, I wanted to see your reaction to the thought of having your own little newborn,” Nic teases, not guilty at all.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but any child of AJ’s and mine will be anything but little. I’m talking twenty-four inches, over nine pounds, and guaranteed cesarian.”

“ _Christ_ , I’ve just survived a traumatic event, can you not remind me about childbirth?”

Okafor rolls back with the chair closer to Nic. “Don’t worry, by the time it will come to the actual delivery you’ll probably be past begging your daughter to leave your body.”

“Mina, you are a terrible doula.”

“Yeah, but I’m a great godmother.”

Nic mirrors Mina’s smile, reaching for her hand and squeezing her palm. “That you are.”

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you want to make me smile.


End file.
